January 23, 2009

It's eight degrees, but with a wind chill factor, it feels like -10. Wind squalls reach up to 40 miles per hour, and are powerful enough to make this environ appear like a snow globe. This week, Discovery Channel takes you to the coldest depths of the world. Where are we, you ask? No, we're not in Novya Zemblya, Siberia, Antarctica, or Tibet. Nay, dear reader, we are within the wintry confines of Mt. Pachocoag, or more amicably known to its residents as Mt. St. James. Yes, this week, Discovery Channel is taking you to one of the coldest places on earth – Worcester, Massachusetts.

This rare species that inhabits this forbidding place are called Crusadores purplis, or Purple Crusaders in English. The crusadores purplis is a sub-species of discipli collegorum, commonly referred to as "college students." While the emperor penguin is known for its tuxedo apparel, the college student is easily  potted because of its disheveled outer layer of hair, and is also easily spotted because of large winter apparel. The Crusadores purplis specifically is known to wear over-sized shirts bearing the strange marking that reads "Holy Cross." It is unknown why the residents of Mount St. James migrate to this forbidden land every year. The youngest of the residents begin their trek usually at the end of August, while the older members of the clan arrive early in September. It is unknown why they decide to inhabit the harshest months. The residents of Mount St. James are forced into  semi-hibernation usually from January to March by the strong winds, cold temperatures, and constant snow. In fact, the species usually only ventures out of its warm, concealed environment in search of food. The search for food involves a strenous, arduous,  and near deadly march to a warm environ called “Kimball” in the local language. The march involves scaling the intimidating Mount St. James, climbing 163 steps, and bracing the arduous winter squalls. Once safe in this feeding haven, flocks of crusadores purplis feast upon copious and seemingly limitless amounts of food. Many of this species overindulge on food and drink to sustain them for the long march back to their warm nests. Once snuggled in their warm nests, the crusadores purplis rarely leaves. Occasionally, the crusadores purplis will venture outside to seek advice from elders. A strange breed usually arrives on campus only when the sun provides a little warmth on the area. This breed is referred to as magisters sapientissemes, or “professors.” These magisters provide the crusadores with essential knowledge. While penguins are taught how to fish and sea lions how to escape polar bears, the magisters teach crusadores how to write better papers and make the crusadores realize that they have a lot of learning to do before they leave. For, you see, instead of making this a permanent home, these crusadores oddly leave this place after four years. Most flock to warmer environments where they are apt to discuss their experiences, and a few actually return to this mountain to become magisters themselves. It is an odd ritual, and researchers are still unsure of the habits of the crusadores. Hopefully, time will unlock the many secrets of this odd species. Tune in next week as we return to this ferocious environment and face the ominous location affectionately called “Dinand” in the local tongue.

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